First thing I want to clear up: I don’t buy porn. Why buy porn when it’s free online?
But if I did buy porn, it certainly wouldn’t be at an airport newsstand. And make no mistake, they do sell porn there. There’s all sorts of nasty shit on those shelves. Stuff that’ll make your mother cry her eyes out.
I never want to be that guy who buys porn from an airport newsstand. You just have so little shame to look at a porno mag on an airplane. You don’t care if the stranger in the seat next to you sees you enjoying your complimentary peanuts while staring at women doing nasty things. You don’t care! It’s one step away from jacking off in public. Might as well just whip it out, if you care so little.
We were getting concerned that Khloe Kardashian didn’t look like a Kardashian. I mean, she’s the one sister that just doesn’t match up. She’s so different Sesame Street’s muppets are singing, “One of these things is not like the others.”
Well she’s finally putting our concerns to rest by doing what Kardashian’s do best: remove clothing for the public to see their naked bodies.
Anyyywaaaay, if you want to see a staged scene from a reality show you have no business watching, look below. There are boobs. Not the greatest boobs, but still attention-starved celebrity boobs are better than no boobs.
Most men, upon seeing a hot girl, would just get tongue-tied and make a mess in their pants. This fellow decided to make a better use of the lower half of his body.
Yes, this is a photo that took some precision, timing, and jackassery. That or it was planned…
If you’re a single guy this Valentine’s weekend, we want to send you a boost of hope. When you’re pining after Megan Fox or Jessica Alba or whoever, know that she is not out of your league. In fact, we’ve got 5 guys (+2) who married way above their ballpark of attractiveness. So the answer is: you DON’T have to be Hugh Jackman or Patrick Dempsy to get yourself a hottie. (But you may need money and fame…)
5. Hairiest Jew To Lock It Down | Judd Apatow
With several critically-acclaimed films directed and produced by this high profile celeb, his biggest accomplishment has to be locking down the beautiful Leslie Mann. She’s spunky and has still has a great body after birthing their two daughters (seen in Knocked Up and Funny People.) Now let’s not pretend she got a shitty deal. So long as Judd is producing and directing she has a job in his films, and any job security is a beautiful thing - even if your husband is not a…beautiful thing.
4. Another Old Rich Billionaire Gets The Girl | Francois Pinault
Unless you read Forbes, you probably haven’t heard of Francois Pinault, billionaire and husband of Salma Hayek. Yes, the Mexican with the big titties married the Frenchie with the big bank account. So if you happen to be young, ugly, and poor, have some hope that you can one day be old, ugly, rich and laid.
3. Where Judd Got His Game | Adam Sandler
Judd and Adam used to be roommates, and they must have some secret to getting the babes. Adam’s girl is not really famous. In fact the only thing we’ve seen her in is Big Daddy. She plays a waitress… No matter! What she lacks in acting skills she makes up in being a hottie!
2. Ugly Can Land You The Largest Tits In The Industry | Geoffrey Arend
If you caught 500 Days Of Summer, you’ll recognize Geoffrey from his supporting role in the film. In the movie, he plays an incredibly spazy man. In real life, he’s married to Christina Hendricks whose cup size is DDD. Yes, them is some big titties. And his face looks like them big titties have smacked him in the face one too many times…
1. Poorest, Least Famous, Shortest Man To Lock A Hottie | Jeff Richmond
Ever wonder who Tina Fey is married to? Unless Tina Fey looks towards the ground, there’s a chance she might forget too! He’s super short compared to the 5’4” actress/writer. Now there have been plenty of men who have hooked up with taller women. Tom Cruise and Michael J Fox come to mind. But they’re attractive… Mr. Richmond, on the other hand, is not so much. The two met at Second City, where he was a director. Now he’s a producer for 30 Rock, and probably makes his wife dress up like Sarah Palin before going to town on her.
BONUS DUDS:
Seal - yeah, he fucks Heidi Klum. Enough said.
Whoever Ellen Pompeo’s Husband is… Oh, right, Chris Ivery. (He’s kinda looks like a poor man’s Obama… If the entire GOP beat him with a stick.)
Well, gosh, this looks like just the best Taxi ride in the world, if you plan on doing any or all of those things. Let’s just be honest, if you’re drinking, you will probably attempt all permitted verbs.
I just love the fact that I don’t need to rent a room to do lewd sexual acts. I could just pick up a girl and get a blowjob in this taxi. Really, all I’ve ever wanted in a blowjob is some taxi driver cheering me on!
I don’t want kids. I think they’re annoying and messy. Power to people who want to be parents because I say fuck that shit. If you want to live a happy life, skip marriage and children. You know, you can do marriage. I’m all right with you locking down one vagina for the rest of your life, but you best get on birth control and use condoms.
The only reason to have some brats is to create a personal workforce. I’m in the market of making imitation designer wallets, and my guy who usually supplies me with worker children was arrested. When I’m in a fix, I do my best thinking. Why not have some kids of my own?
It’s perfect. No need to worry about parents griping at you, “there are burns on children.” They’re your own kids! And if you get them used to eating industrial-grade oatmeal with water, you can maximize your profits by creating a low cost of living!
Just a warning: your kids may at some point try to educate themselves. This is bad. Do yourself a favor and invest in Chinese Playdoh. Great thing about China is that they don’t worry about removing pesky toxins. Your kid’ll keep himself entertained and become too stupid to revolt. If somehow they do learn how to call CPS, no need to panic immediately. A few, short sessions of spirit-suppressing water boarding should keep them quiet when CPS officials show up.
Oh man, I can already see my bank account surging!
But what wife will let you be such a horrible father to her children? The kind that was minutes from being deported until you married her.
When you’re millionaires, you can thank me by sending 5% of all your profits to my organization. We save children from the harsh environments of Pakistan and South Korea and bring them to America where they can prosper on $0.20 an hour wages! Yay! They’re living the American dream!
In their own style, they poke fun at YouTube, Digg, and Internet vocab. It’s everything you love about both Muppets and the Internet morphed into a great vid that you should pass around to friends. Believe me, it’ll make their day.
Be sure to follow the Muppets on their Twitter for updates about new vids.
“I know this great place that’s such a hidden gem in the middle of nowhere.” That’s serial killer talk for “no one will hear you scream.” Here’s my advice if you find yourself at the restaurant: order the most expensive thing on the menu. That’ll teach him a lesson for inconveniencing you with an untimely death.
2. Creepy Valentine’s Day Cards
First of all, if the thing’s handmade with clipped-out letters, you’re already in bad shape. Secondly, look for subtle nuances in the text. Stuff like: “Be mine forever,” “I love the way you smell,” and “nothing can end our love! Even if I were to do something cooky like chop off your head with a hatchet. You’d still love me. And that’s what’s great about us! You shrug off the petty fights, like getting your head chopped off. Oh man, you’d look so cute shrugging without a head. Sigh, good times! Goooood times.”
3. Instead of a box of chocolates, he sends you a box of fingers
Yeahh, I know tough one. In some countries that’s like a marriage proposal. If he’s a foreigner that’s a tough call cause gosh I just don’t know.
4. When you’re cuddling on the couch, he never wants to watch the news
Why would he? The most damaging thing to a cuddle-moment is a police sketch of yourself popping up on the daily news. Trust me, a cuddle-moment will soon turn into a strangle-moment, and those are not adorable Kodak moments.
5. Does he own a large collection of severed human heads in his den?
If you’re in his den and you’re noticing an unusually high number of severed human heads (a high number meaning more than 0), there’s a slight chance he might be kind of a serial killer. Lightning will strike and he’ll appear in the foyer with a hatchet. You’ll try to run for the exit, but gosh darn it he put up some trip wires. Man, that’s when you’re so screwed.
If this were a horror film you might get lucky by playing the “I’m a virgin, and I will conquer you!” card…but let’s not kid ourselves, lady. You’re in home of some strange guy you met off Craig’s List.
By now you’re probably also regretting ordering the Caesar salad at dinner. I told you! Didn’t I tell you to order something expensive! But nooo, you were too damn worried about calorie counting. A steak and a baked potato wouldn’t have hurt you! You’re damn well burning off the calories now that you’re running away from a psychopath with a rusty hatchet.
Side note (and I’ll make it quick because I know you’re busy dealing with keeping your head attached): What did you think of that Super Bowl commercial with Leno and Letterman. I mean, isn’t that crazy? They haven’t talked in like—oh, not a good time?
In conclusion, the warning signs are all there. The key to survival is in your intuition and caution. Be safe this Valentine’s Day, y’all!
I have only one thing to say on the matter: Palin, stop being a hypocrite and call for the resignation of Rush Limbaugh.
This is a funny sketch. Anybody watch the episode of SNL with Jon Hamm? That was actually pretty funny throughout. Something tells me SNL won’t suck as hard as it did at the beginning of the season, especially with a Zach Gafilianakis episode on the slate.
Oh horror films. It's crazy that there are all these rules horror films follow, but most of them still don't make sense and turn out to be horrible films.
