Gutenberg Lampoon » Articles

First thing I want to clear up: I don’t buy porn. Why buy porn when it’s free online?

But if I did buy porn, it cer­tainly wouldn’t be at an air­port news­stand. And make no mis­take, they do sell porn there. There’s all sorts of nasty shit on those shelves. Stuff that’ll make your mother cry her eyes out.

I never want to be that guy who buys porn from an air­port news­stand. You just have so lit­tle shame to look at a porno mag on an air­plane. You don’t care if the stranger in the seat next to you sees you enjoy­ing your com­pli­men­tary peanuts while star­ing at women doing nasty things. You don’t care! It’s one step away from jack­ing off in pub­lic. Might as well just whip it out, if you care so little.

I don’t want kids. I think they’re annoy­ing and messy. Power to peo­ple who want to be par­ents because I say fuck that shit. If you want to live a happy life, skip mar­riage and chil­dren. You know, you can do mar­riage. I’m all right with you lock­ing down one vagina for the rest of your life, but you best get on birth con­trol and use condoms.

The only rea­son to have some brats is to cre­ate a per­sonal work­force. I’m in the mar­ket of mak­ing imi­ta­tion designer wal­lets, and my guy who usu­ally sup­plies me with worker chil­dren was arrested. When I’m in a fix, I do my best think­ing. Why not have some kids of my own?

It’s per­fect. No need to worry about par­ents grip­ing at you, “there are burns on chil­dren.” They’re your own kids! And if you get them used to eat­ing industrial-grade oat­meal with water, you can max­i­mize your prof­its by cre­at­ing a low cost of living!

Just a warn­ing: your kids may at some point try to edu­cate them­selves. This is bad. Do your­self a favor and invest in Chi­nese Play­doh. Great thing about China is that they don’t worry about remov­ing pesky tox­ins. Your kid’ll keep him­self enter­tained and become too stu­pid to revolt. If some­how they do learn how to call CPS, no need to panic imme­di­ately. A few, short ses­sions of spirit-suppressing water board­ing should keep them quiet when CPS offi­cials show up.

Oh man, I can already see my bank account surging!

But what wife will let you be such a hor­ri­ble father to her chil­dren? The kind that was min­utes from being deported until you mar­ried her.

When you’re mil­lion­aires, you can thank me by send­ing 5% of all your prof­its to my orga­ni­za­tion. We save chil­dren from the harsh envi­ron­ments of Pak­istan and South Korea and bring them to Amer­ica where they can pros­per on $0.20 an hour wages! Yay! They’re liv­ing the Amer­i­can dream!

This is your left hand.

That means your other hand is your right hand. See right hand for fur­ther information.

Writ­ten on the right hand.

The other hand lies to you. Trust no one.

(P.S. rent Memento.)

lilmikkey: Just shot a man dead. Any­body wanna tweetup for some froyo?

dan­gerbling­banger: #fol­lowfri­day these nuts.

mex­i­can­mafi­amelvin: drug deal went sour. fail whale!!!!!

Yup, it hap­pened in New York City (Seri­ously, where else besides Thai­land will you hear about this?)

First rule of Fourth Grade Fight Club, no juice boxes until you kick some ass.

In the first match, we have a two fierce fight­ers. In this cor­ner, the infa­mous booger picker, Dora the Exploder! When told to work on her mul­ti­pli­ca­tion tables, she cracked that teacher’s skull with her lunch­box. In the other cor­ner, a new­comer, Tim “I Still Pee The Bed” Fiercely. He may be an under­dog, but I think he’ll be packed with surprises.

In the sec­ond match, we have the Caped Avenger. Held back a grade and bred on school cafe­te­ria tacos, the Caped Avenger strikes ter­ror into his class­mates. He will be going up against the Mayer twins. Their father is a Biol­o­gist; their favorite sub­ject is Home Ec. So they’re prob­a­bly going to be sent to the hospital.

In the third match, we’ll see Lit­tle Orphan Roger go into a cage match against a live tiger.

Today’s cham­pi­ons will get 10 extra points on their next test and a packet of Go-GURT. Good luck to the best of them.

Dear sir,

You are cor­dially invited to the music event of the year, The 2010 Gram­mys. Your fel­low guests will be music stars like Justin Tim­ber­lake and oth­ers who once made music, but haven’t pro­duced a good album in a long while. The musi­cal per­for­mances, with their over-the-top pro­duc­tion val­ues, will delight you and dis­tract you from the turned-up reverb and lip sync­ing. Tay­lor Swift will prob­a­bly go home with all the awards, despite only a 1/3 of the atten­dants know­ing one of her hits.  We will honor Michael Jack­son, bring­ing sev­eral indus­try insid­ers, who thought him a pedophile, to tears.

Around the sec­ond hour of the award show, you’ll prob­a­bly start notic­ing people’s flasks. We advise you to bring your own, filled with some­thing strong. It’s the only way you’ll sur­vive a per­for­mance by some­one only your par­ents remem­ber. It’s a shame Kanye won’t steal a micro­phone from any­one as it was prob­a­bly your best shot at hav­ing an enter­tain­ing moment.

This invi­ta­tion is brought to you by the RIAA, who would like you to know they are vig­i­lantly watch­ing your inter­net activ­ity so they can sue you for mil­lions if you pirate any tunes on Limewire. Let’s just put it that there are more RIAA agents watch­ing you right now than will be watch­ing the Grammys.

Hope you can attend!

From the back of the Slum­dog Mil­lion­aire DVD packaging.

Win­ner of the Oscar for Best Pic­ture, Slum­dog Mil­lion­aire has astounded audi­ences every­where. It’s the story of impov­er­ished Indian boy who wins a mil­lion dol­lars and bangs a really hot girl. Yes, it’s every col­lege male’s fan­tasy. What the fuck am I say­ing, it’s every guy’s fan­tasy. Women will even bang Ferida Pinto if they had a mil­lion dol­lars. Who can hate a film about an aver­age joe win­ning a lot of money with­out doing any dif­fi­cult work or hav­ing any real intel­li­gence, since after all he just hap­pened to stum­ble upon the exact answers they would ask in Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?

So if you haven’t seen this film, I’m bet­ting you can prob­a­bly just go day­dream about crazy, ridicu­lous shit and it’s about the same. Just come up with some­thing that sounds com­pletely impos­si­ble, and it’s about as believ­able as this plot.

An ad copy for Demon Grandma Exterminators!

No longer able to enjoy a tasty lunch at your local diner with­out demon-possessed grand­mas try­ing to eat your face? Wellll, Demon Grandma Exter­mi­na­tors has solu­tions for you!

If you’re look­ing for grandma-friendly treat­ment, we will place traps with bait in the infected area. The demon-possessed grandma will smell the sweet mar­malade in our traps. Once inside, they can­not escape. Then we can release the demon grand­moth­ers in their nat­ural habi­tat, New Jersey.

If you don’t give a shit and just want us to kill every last moth­er­fuckin demon-possessed grandma, we will just bust into your home or work­place and open fire on any elderly woman. I mean, we smell den­ture cream, we’re fir­ing in that direction.

And if you just want an old lady dead, man, this economy’s so bad we will take your money and put her down. Don’t feel bad. She’s lived a very long and reward­ing life, and you were just going to stuff her into an old folks home. Those places are hor­ri­ble, man. The elderly are abused, mal­nour­ished, and liv­ing in their own filth. A shot­gun blast to the face is way more humane.

So give us a call at xxx-xxx-xxxx, Demon Grandma Exter­mi­na­tors, your solu­tion for some brit­tle boned bitch try­ing to mur­der you.